Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Back To Work

Today was my first day back at work in 10 days and it was hotter than H***!
What a great day, though, I forgot how much I enjoy this job and can't even imagine what it would be like to be behind the bar again.
When I made it back to the program, willingness took on a whole new meaning for me.
Willingness today, not only means taking suggestions, making meetings and talking to other alcoholics, but it means making decisions and choices that are recovery centered and TRUSTING the process!
The first decision I made for myself was to change my profession.
I have proven to myself, time and again that it is impossible for me to work around alcohol and stay sober.
I was willing to give up financial security if it meant me staying alive.
I now work, selling plants and peaches making minimum wage in the sweltering heat and I can honestly say that I've never been happier, it truly is a humble and frightening existence, but I've seen what this program has done for people around me and I trust the process.

Thank You God, Thank You AA.


Saturday, July 16, 2005


I am beginning to feel better.

Physically : I still require lots of rest, not one of my favorite things to do, but I'm learning.
Emotionally : Much better, not so raw. For days I felt like I was either, going to sob uncontrallably or burst into hysterical laughter at the most inappropriate time.
Spiritually : I feel at peace, a very cool feeling!

Today is a good day.
I am grateful.

We bought a guitar today, I can't wait to learn how to play!


Friday, July 15, 2005


I haven't been this sick since I was 12 years old and spent several weeks in the hospital.
That was a long time ago, 30 years to be exact.
Pneumonia sucks, it's been a week and I've made it to 2 meetings, I miss my AA family!
It's been the same amount of time since I've had a meal.
I feel incredibly isolated, feverish, nauseated, dizzy, I have a migraine and I'm lonely as shit!
A volatile combination for this alcoholic and eerily reminiscent of how it felt my last days drinking!
I have to constantly remind myself that I feel this way NOT because I'm jonesin' for that next drink to make me feel normal, but because I'm SICK and I need to take care of myself.
Drinking will not make it all better and neither will Hycodan Syrup, which is something I could easily justify and have glamourized in my weaker moments.
I was initially resentful at having to be so isolated, my routine, my meetings, my service commitment, my Fifth Step (yikes) have all been put on hold for now.
I hate FUCKING change!
After stewing on my pity pot, it's about time to change my thinking... if I don't I risk it ALL.
In the past week I've found new ways to communicate with my HP, ways that are a lot more personal, maybe I was relying too heavily on hearing his message through other people and needed to work on my relationship, if that makes any sense?!
It's important to find gratitude in whatever I perceive to be a roadblock.
Hey, I woke up feeling like I did when I was drinking, BUT I'm not pawning what little I have left for a bottle, which is exactly what I'd be doing at 9:30 in the morning 5 months ago.
Thank You God!
Thank You AA.
I am grateful to be alive today.


Thursday, July 14, 2005

This time, it's different?!

I've said that so many times before and I've meant it, each and every time.

Today scares the shit out of me!
I am scared of this disease, scared of people, scared of my Fifth Step, scared of trusting my new sponsor,scared I'll fuck up 'this time' too!
Sometimes I don't know where all this fear comes from... it's just there.

Cunning, baffling, powerful...

As I was preparing to finish this rant, the phone rang.
It was a message from God.
The person on the other end was from MADD, she told me that 47 people die at the hands of a drunk driver every day and various other horrifying statistics.
I felt guilty listening, because I could have easily taken one of those lives while I was 'out there'... I am grateful to have made it back alive and especially grateful I didn't kill anyone in the process.
Suddenly I don't feel so scared and my rant seems irrelavent.
Thank you God for revealing your presence to me with a good dose of humility and a lot of gratitude!
Time to start this day over again.


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