Friday, July 15, 2005

H.A.L.T

I haven't been this sick since I was 12 years old and spent several weeks in the hospital.
That was a long time ago, 30 years to be exact.
Pneumonia sucks, it's been a week and I've made it to 2 meetings, I miss my AA family!
It's been the same amount of time since I've had a meal.
I feel incredibly isolated, feverish, nauseated, dizzy, I have a migraine and I'm lonely as shit!
A volatile combination for this alcoholic and eerily reminiscent of how it felt my last days drinking!
I have to constantly remind myself that I feel this way NOT because I'm jonesin' for that next drink to make me feel normal, but because I'm SICK and I need to take care of myself.
Drinking will not make it all better and neither will Hycodan Syrup, which is something I could easily justify and have glamourized in my weaker moments.
I was initially resentful at having to be so isolated, my routine, my meetings, my service commitment, my Fifth Step (yikes) have all been put on hold for now.
I hate FUCKING change!
After stewing on my pity pot, it's about time to change my thinking... if I don't I risk it ALL.
In the past week I've found new ways to communicate with my HP, ways that are a lot more personal, maybe I was relying too heavily on hearing his message through other people and needed to work on my relationship, if that makes any sense?!
It's important to find gratitude in whatever I perceive to be a roadblock.
Hey, I woke up feeling like I did when I was drinking, BUT I'm not pawning what little I have left for a bottle, which is exactly what I'd be doing at 9:30 in the morning 5 months ago.
Thank You God!
Thank You AA.
I am grateful to be alive today.

Peace

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